Akatsuki and The Platinum Wedding
by AkiraDawn
Summary: It's the wedding to disgrace all other weddings. The wedding that will give a whole new meaning to groomzilla. The wedding we have all been waiting for...Itachi's. Will Sasuke come? What will Tobi do? He knows no wedding etiquette! Rated M for language.
1. The Big Event

Akatsuki and The Platinum Wedding

You've waited and it has arrived…Itachi's wedding. Prepare yourself for many high maintenance moments.

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters nor do I profit from anything I write.

The wedding binder that Dana and Itachi had begun putting together over a year ago was brimming full of ideas…so full in fact that there were so many you couldn't possibly sort through it all. Itachi was on the phone yelling at some innocent woman that worked for a cruise line.

"Look! I'm not just any groom, okay!? I'm hot, in fact I am SO HOT that I bet you I am the hottest groom that your cruise line has ever held a wedding for! No! No! I don't want to go to fucking Mexico! I said The Bahamas and I'm standing firm on that! Don't you give me that mouth! If I say The Bahamas then that's what it is and our ceremony is going to be in your grand entrance that is where it is going to be! And if it isn't available on my selected dates then you will work with my schedule and MAKE IT WORK! Okay, okay fine. June 27th it is. Remember, I'm hot so I will expect everything to be as hot as me. Yes, yes my bride is equally hot. Thanks. Bye. OH MY GOD! CRUISE LINE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!" Itachi ranted after hanging up the phone. "Deidara! Deidara! DEIDARA GET IN HERE!" Itachi yelled for him.

"Did you like get the date set and everything, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"After some negotiating I did. Of course it's a week later than we wanted it, but it will do. Okay, first thing is first you and me and Marisol and Dana are going to shop for our outfits. Oh my god, Deidara we….are….going….to look….SO HOT!" Itachi said.

"Itachi! We can wear those fancy cotton linen shirts since it's a tropical wedding, yeah!" Dediara's eyes sparkled.

"Deidara….we can wear any kind of hot beach thing we want to." Itachi reassured him. Marisol came running downstairs screaming her head off.

"Did you know I was Dana's maid of honor!?!?" She was jumping up and down and flailing.

"Marisol, you've been Dana's maid of honor since before Itachi proposed to her." Kisame reminded her.

"Oh….yeah….I have….but this morning reminded me of it because we're going to pick out my dress!" And Marisol started screaming again. "Oh that reminds me…Lola and Konan are going to have to too, they have to pick out a dress. Dana wants them in the wedding also. "Lola! Hi Lola! Are you working on something because you have to stop because we're going shopping for bridesmaid dresses!" And Marisol screamed some more.

"Okay, okay honey…first stop screaming and second I appreciate the fact that Dana wants me in her wedding and everything but I don't' wear those fancy dresses like you and her like…I've got a really nice suit and I'll…." Marisol cut her off.

"No Lola! No, no, no! No suits! Suits are yucky! Now you and Konan are coming to try on gowns today! Oh and the best part is that Deidara and Itachi are going with us and they will totally give us their best fashion advice….WHICH IS USUALLY THE SAME AS MINE!" Marisol was screaming for the third time.

"Please….curb my excitement." Lola said with sarcasm just boiling over from her lips.

"Listen, it's great that you two are finally doing this s=cruise ship wedding thing but Itachi I swear if you are going to be a complete ass about getting married and make us do all your crap and treat us like shit tell me now so I can go live with Pein and Konan for a while." Kisame said laying down the law.

"No, no, no Kisame! You listen to me! This is MY wedding and it will be PERFECT. I have the perfect bride and the perfect best man so if you aren't going to cooperate with me then you CAN go live with Pein and Konan. However, you just play a minor role in this wedding. Deidara really has to do everything I want done." Itachi explained making some notes.

"That's nothing out of the ordinary." Kisame said under his breath.

"So, Itachi what's the budget for your wedding?" Kakuzu was just dying to know.

"$200,000 dollars." Itachi said as if that was no big deal at all. Kakuzu's face went white. For a minute Hidan thought Kakuzu would hit the floor and he didn't really care. After all, Kakuzu had pissed him off earlier that morning when he was trying to talk to Yunko on the phone and as far as Hidan was concerned if he fell on his ass then it was his own payback for being annoying.

"Okay! Come on let's go! Come on Lola, come on Lola, come on Lola, yeah!" Dana yelled at her trying to tug Lola off the couch. "Itachi is ready to leave and we are so going to have fun trying on gowns today, yeah! AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" If all Dana and Marisol were going to do today was scream it was going to be a long day. Lola sighed and rolled her eyes. She looked at Sasori apprehensively and got up off the couch.

"Lola, I can tell you right now you're going to have to drop 15 pounds! Dana has divine taste and anything she would pick is going to look like shit on you." Itachi told Lola blatantly.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL MAN!? YOU JUST…OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M BLIND! YOU MORON!" Itachi was whining because Sasori had just hauled off and hit him in the side of the head.

"You deserved that." Sasori told him.

"Listen, I don't do wedding shit. If you're going to talk to me like that then you can just go to hell right now and count me out of your wedding, hell I won't even go! It's no skin off my back!" Lola told Itachi.

"Itachi, you need to be nicer, yeah, I know you're on edge but I want Lola in our wedding!" Dana pleaded with him to lighten up.

"Fine…anything for you Dana. I still think she's fat." Itachi whispered that last part to Deidara. So, off they went! Out the door and to some trendy boutique downtown….welcome to 3 hours of hell Lola. Once they were gone Sasori sighed and laid down on the couch.

"Seriously, what's wrong?" Hidan asked.

"Oh nothing Hidan. I just have a feeling that I'm going to have to kill Itachi by the end of the day. Will you have a glass of whiskey with me? I'm worried about Lola."

"I'm on it." Hidan said.

"You know he's going to be a total bitch until this damn wedding is over right? I mean, we have to put up with his crap until we get our asses on that boat, get to the Caribbean and get them married!" Kisame said.

"I agree completely. Think about it…if any of us are destined to kill him before the wedding it will be Pein who snaps. He gets so sick of Itachi's antics anyway and he doesn't even live with him!" Zetsu did have a good point.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but…I actually feel sorry for Deidara. Itachi is going to have him exhausted and frazzled by the end of this wedding." Sasori said taking a glass of whiskey from Hidan.

"I'm almost afraid to ask Yunko to go on this cruise of a wedding but I would really like to have her there seriously." Hidan said.

"Oh Hidan! Give it up! Leave her here! It's not like you're going to get lucky! You're staying in a cabin with me!" Kakuzu said.

"No I'm not!" Hidan shouted at him.

"Yes you are! If we stay together we will save a total of $351.77 cents!" Kakuzu said shoving his figures into Hidan's face.

"Again dumbass I don't care!" Hidan said. "Sasori can I borrow your phone?"

"Sure, drag Yunko into this shit. Hey, Hidan don't let me drink mor than three of these. I swear if Dediara comes home and starts shoving catalogs in my face I might hurt him." Sasori told Hidan.

"Don't worry man. Seriously, I will take care of you." Hidan reassured him.

"Crap….I just thought of something…we're in this wedding too aren't we?" Zetsu said. "That means…Tobi is going to have to do something…anything and it can't be important. Oh god…Dana's going to have to give him something stupid to do. Like…be the…insane old lady inspector at the door. You know, he can inspect the guests to make sure none of them are insane old ladies! And since there won't be any insane old ladies at this wedding to shame all over weddings then Tobi's job will be easy!" Zetsu seemed to have this all figured out. He couldn't wait to run it by Dana. Well, let the insanity begin!


	2. Dana's Gown

"OH MY GOD! ITACHI! COULD YOU LOOK ANY BETTER RIGHT NOW, YEAH!?" Deidara screamed so excited about choosing what they would wear for the wedding.

"No Deidara, I couldn't look any better. It's clear to me that this divine Versace silk was made for me. You know what…it's a wedding on a cruise ship…I'm not going to wear anything underneath this and I'm going to leave it unbuttoned." Itachi decided.

"Wow Itachi! If I were gay and stuff I would like….want you, yeah!" Deidara told him.

"Deidara, I want you to wear the same shirt…in ice blue." Itachi said. Deidara started screaming because this was an incredible honor to be able to wear the same shirt as Itachi in a different color. It was be $457 dollars well spent.

"So Deidara, I was thinking Dana should consider a two piece gown since this is a Caribbean wedding and all. What do you think? Is that too whorish for a bride to be?" Deidara thought for a moment.

"Hmmm…well it is my baby sister, yeah. Of course, it's not like there's going to be anything left to learn on her wedding night, yeah. No, definitely not too whorish!" Deidara said. Itachi snapped his fingers.

"See, this is why you're my best friend." Itachi said still admiring his beautiful white silk shirt in the mirror.

"Here Lola try this one on!" Marisol said happily handing Lola the 14th dress today. Marisol had already found the perfect baby pink two piece maid of honor gown picked out by both Dana and Marisol.

"I so can't wait to show this to Deidara! He is going to so love it!" Marisol said.

"And the very best part…" Dana began.

"It's CHANEL! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" They both screamed.

"Okay, okay I'm getting a fuckin' headache here and I can't wear all these two piece gowns you're handing me. I don't feel comfortable in this shit. Everything you've picked out is either strapless or those stupid spaghetti strap things or god….two pieces or just…I can't wear the shit you pick out." Lola was getting frustrated.

"But, Lola you haven't picked anything out!" Marisol said.

"Yeah, I know…I…" Marisol cut her off.

"Okay! The stylist picked out 12 gowns for Dana! One of them is surely to be the one!" Marisol said happily.

"Marisol! Look! Itachi wants me to….OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR, YEAH! I LOVE IT!" Deidara squealed.

"Me too!" Marisol said.

"Oh! Itachi did you pick out blue for Deidara? Well, Marisol's dress comes in that color too. We'll change it so they match, yeah!" Dana said.

"Alright, let's be seated. Dana is about to try on her first gown." Itachi said lining everyone up on the boutique couch.

"Oh wait, we have to get my dad on the phone. His opinion is like all important and stuff since our dad is in fashion and all, yeah." Deidara said quickly calling Italy and handing the phone to Dana."

"Hi Daddy! Guess what I'm so going to try on my first gown, yeah! Of course I'm going to send you a picture of each one. Yes Itachi's hear because his opinions matter to me. I don't want to be one of those silly brides who hides the gown, yeah! Okay daddy, don't hang up!" Dana put the phone down and ran off to try her first gown on. It didn't take her long. Itachi picked up the phone, took her picture and immediately sent it to her father who was on speaker phone now.

"I can tell you right now Dana…no. That is completely unattractive." Itachi said. "Let's get your dad's opinion. What do you think Dominik?" Itachi asked knowing he had had a chance to look at Dana's picture.

"No baby, take that off darling it's awful, yes." Her father answered her.

"I cannot believe her dad is on the phone." Lola said out loud as she was texting Sasori a play by play of what was going on.

"Dana, Dana, Dana…baby…can you hear me, yes?" Dana's Italian father asked from the other end.

"I can so hear you daddy, yeah! Oh! Daddy say hi to Marisol!" Dana said leaving the room to get another dress.

"Hi Dominik!!!!" Marisol said waving at the phone. "Wait, can he seem me?" she asked Deidara seriously.

"Well….I don't think so, yeah…Dad? Can you see Marisol?" Deidara asked. Lola just shook her head. Dana returned in gown number 2….great just 10 more to go. I think this one makes me look princess-y, yeah. I don't think I like it." Dana said to Marisol who was still clad in baby pink.

"I don't like that one Dana. It makes your hips look poofy." Marisol said.

"Daddy? What do you think. Itachi is shaking his head, yeah."

"Hold on sweetheart, your mother is yelling about something and the picture isn't on my phone yet, yes."

"Lola! Lola what do you think, yeah. And why haven't you tried any other dresses on!?" Dana asked of her with those sparkling blue eyes.

"Uh…yeah…poofy…whatever. And umm…I….can't really find anything else in this god forsaken place. Everything has fuckin' sequins and shit…I'm not really into sequins." Lola told her.

"Lola! You can't sway fuck in a boutique! Itachi yelled at her.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, I thought Konan was going to be in on this gig today?" Lola asked anyone who would answer her.

"Something about Pein's mom and her ceiling falling in….I don't know it sounded important so she's going to look another day. Now as for you, there has to be something in here you're willing to wear!" Itachi told her.

"Probably not, you won't let me wear anything in my size…which by the way a size 8 is not fat, dumbass. If your girl had a set of 36 C's to carry around all day she wouldn't be a damn size 4 either." Lola told him texting something back that Sasori had sent her.

"Lola, the word is either…it ends in a R not an A! Geez, Lola and you're a lawyer!?" Marisol said correcting her. Lola laughed and smiled at Marisol deviously.

"Nah, sweetie I'm a lawyah'." Lola told her.

"Lola, I like you and everything but you are so going to have to learn to say words right. I mean you work where people can hear you talk!" Marisol said completely concerned.

"Ah, I love messin' with her!" Lola said as she texted something else.

"Oh my god! This is it! This is the one! I love this one, yeah!" Dana said revealing her two piece wedding gown with it's lovely rhinestone strands draped over her bare stomach. I want this one Itachi, yeah!" Dana's face lit up like the morning sun but the kicker was when the stylist pinned the veil on her. Diedara burst into tears followed by Itachi.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S….IT'S…IT'S….OOOOH DEIDARA I NEED A TISSUE!" Itachi said fanning his face. "I LOVE YOU MAN, I'M….I'M….I'M….SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. BUT NOW MY FACE IS GOING TO BE STREAKED AND…..GOD LOLA GET US A TISSUE!" Itachi wailed.

"Dana! AAAAAAGAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" They both screamed in excitement.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH"" They both continued screaming.

"That…is what my baby will get married in, yes." Dominik said confidently over the phone. "Dana, Miuchia Prada would be proud, yes." He told her.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK LOLA, YEAH!?" Dana asked her so excited she was about to explode.

"It's….it's perfect sweetie…it's perfect for you." Dana had never seen Lola choke up like that. In fact she looked more saddened than she did happy. Lola left this moment of extreme over zealousness and went outside.

"Hey…you were right." Lola took a deep breath. "Will you come and get me?" She asked Sasori wiping the tears from her eyes. Back inside, Itachi and Deidara had finally stopped crying and were ready to seal the deal on all of the wedding attire. What's a measly $32,425 dollars when it's for the sake of fashion?

"No Tobi! Tobi! Tobi stop that! How many times have I told you not to mix the Play-Doh colors!? And stop making so many models of Orochimaru and his pack of losers! You know how much he hates being immortalized in clay!" Zetsu scolded Tobi.

"But Zetsu…" Tobi whined.

"No Tobi! You always get that stuff in the rugs and then Sasori runs over it with the sweeper and this it makes me look bad when in fact I try to watch your antics!" Zetsu said. Just then Sasori and Lola walked in.

"Hey, how did dress up time with Itachi go?" Kisame asked. Lola just shook her head and she and Sasori disappeared.

"Alright…what the hell was that?" Kisame asked Zetsu.

"I don't know. Do you think Itachi really fucked up this time?" Zetsu asked.

"Seriously, you don't know? It's the saddest story ever…" Hidan said


	3. Lola's History

"Seriously, you don't know?" Hidan asked sitting down with Zetsu and Kisame. But before he could explain Dana, Marisol, Deidara and Itachi came bursting through the door causing a ruckus. However, in their excitement they didn't stay around long. There were phone calls to make, things to coordinate, flowers to pick out. Once they left the room Hidan started to talk.

"I shouldn't be the one telling you about this." Hidan got up and went over to a shelf and pulled an album off of it. I don't know who this wedding is going to be harder on…Lola or Sasori, seriously." Hidan opened the album.

"Dude, you are really starting to scare me a little." Zetsu said. It was no wonder Hidan knew every page of Lola's old album. He pulled a newspaper article out of it and handed it to Zetsu first. "Oh my god…." Zetsu read it out loud: Wall Street Mogul Confesses, was the headline. Prominent Wall Street trader…she blacked the name out, huh…Prominent Wall Street trader…leaves fiancée and Harvard Law applicant Lola M. Aagard less than 24 hours before walking down the aisle in what was to be a wedding fit for The Hamptons." Zetsu looked up at Hidan. "The prominent trader confessed to a near year long affair with 1994 Miss Delaware and Wall Street intern… She blacked the name out again. Oh my god…I didn't even know Lola had been engaged before. This must have made headlines because he was a big deal trader who was cheating on his fiancé with a beauty queen intern." Zetsu was so shocked that he didn't even notice that Tobi had officially mixed all the Play-Doh colors together and now it was all brown.

"Sasori…has proposed to Lola 12 times in five years. She won't say yes because she's convinced that it will ruin everything. But she's also terrified that 13 will be her unlucky number if you know what I mean, seriously." Hidan said. Zetsu shook his head.

"Sasori would never….ever, ever leave Lola."

"This is….the saddest thing I've ever heard. This happened what, 15, 16 years ago? Now, Lola has to spend a lifetime trying to not hate the thought of a happy ending….oh my god…how is she…" Kisame was interrupted by the front door opening and a sheet rock covered Pein and Konan entering.

"Shit! When Pein's mom called and said her ceiling was falling in she wasn't kidding!" Konan said as Hidan scurried to put Lola's album away. Konan was a mess.

"Oh my god, loom at you!? What the hell have you two exactly done today?" Kisame asked.

"Hey, do you guys have any home improvement tools? My mom's ceiling….yeah…seriously fucked. She was doing what she does every Saturday…her listening to her audio Novel/Workout CD. I mean why she thinks she can work out while some British guy reads her John Grisham books is a mystery to me. But anyway, so she's in chapter 4 and doing her aerobics which all of a sudden the living room ceiling just falls the hell in." Pein explained. "Me and Konan get over there and there's mom…sitting in the middle of her collapsed ceiling and in a state of shock over the ending of chapter 5!"

"It sounds like you two have had a rough morning…you're lucky you know…Itachi and the other notable ones in the wedding went shopping today. I think they bought things and Kakuzu is going to freak when he sees the bill, even though he's not paying for anything." Kisame said. Marisol caught sight of a filthy Konan in the living room.

"Konan! Hi! You missed our shopping trip! Wow…what did you do?" Marisol asked.

"Ceiling accident, it's a long story. So, did Dana find a dress?" Konan asked of her.

"Yes she did! It's hot and slutty and WE LOVE IT! Well, okay it's not THAT slutty there's just not a lot holding it together." Marisol explained. "But you have to find something to wear! You and Lola don't have anything. And neither does Pein!" Marisol said. "We're going to have to take you into town another day!" Marisol was so excited. "You should see what me and Deidara are wearing I mean his shirt is like 'fuck me' hot!" Marisol said with blue eyes sparkling. "Oh! And guess what!? WE'RE GOING TO PICK OUT FLOWERS TOMORROW!" Marisol said jumping up and down.

"Oh god, this reminds me of when me and Pein got married. Shit, there is so much stuff to do but you know in the end it is all worth it. We had a great time at our wedding." Konan said washing her arms in the sink.

"Yeah, and Konan's crazy aunt from Oregon was a hoot. That woman can drink…but she can't dance." Pein said.

"And Marisol, since you're the maid of honor and stuff and since you and Dana have been friends for like…ever that means you'll need to throw her one hell of a bachelorette part." Konan said. "Mine freaking rocked….we all went skinny dipping…Pein ditched his party because it was so lame ass."

"I can't believe we played Marble Madness all night!? And it was the original marble madness! I didn't want strippers and shit! I just wanted to order a pizza and play cards! But no! It was marble madness I HAD to go to Konan's party! Besides…we broke all the rules and had sex the night before the wedding when we weren't even supposed to see each other before the wedding!" Pein ranted about the memories of that night.

"Don't worry Konan! I will throw Dana the best party ever in life!" Marisol said reassuringly. "Even Princess will be there! Won't you Princess!? Won't you? Awww, Princess!" Marisol loved to get that cat purring.

"Oh my god I have never been this excited! Deidara come on we need to plan a menu. Marisol, please join us will you? Dana has so many ideas and we're going to need a notebook!" Itachi said excitedly.

"Umm…dude….when are you going to call your brother and tell him?" Kisame asked.

"I'm sorry….what the hell are you talking about!?" Itachi hissed at Kisame. Clearly that was not the correct question to ask.

"It's your brother Itachi, you have to invite your brother to the wedding, seriously." Hidan said. Itachi sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I will worry about my far less attractive brother later. Right now we have a menu to plan." Itachi said storming off with his posse.

"It would be like him to not invite Sasuke. Hey, where are Sasori and Lola? You all want to go grab something to eat? Konan's clean now and we won't be playing in sheet rock any more today." Pein offered.

"That sounds good, Hidan why don't you go see if Lola is…..done with that thing she was doing." Zetsu added quickly knowing good and well Lola had probably not been in the best of moods.

"Yes, yes…yes…I will do that. Pein, seriously do you two want to take a shower? Because you know, you could change into something we have." Hidan asked.

"Oh wow, you are….you are so right on with that. Konan you want to? Before we eat?" Pein asked her.

"Yes, if I'm lucky Lola will let me wear one of the Patriots shirts." Konan said.

"Don't count on it. That's like asking Ghandi to wear his shroud." Zetsu said.

"You're probably right, though at least I can say I tried." Konan said heading upstairs towards the sacred realm of Itachi, Deidara, Marisol and Dana's room. Lola and Sasori emerged with Hidan. Things didn't look too intense. Sasori was smiling, Lola was smiling…she must have not been too upset anymore.

"So, okay we're going to eat with Pein and Konan? Where are we going?" Lola asked.

"Seriously, they went to take a shower….oh but not together. So, we haven't decided." Hidan said.

"I want to go somewhere where the beer is cold. That's my only request." Lola said.

"I'm sure Konan will not be opposed to that." Zetsu reassured her.

"Hey, what the hell do you think they are going to put on the menu as they are thinking about it?" Kisame asked.

"Oh god, are they thinking about what to put on the menu for the wedding? It's probably going to be expensive and fancy." Sasori said. "Just for that we're going to eat something un-fancy and inexpensive tonight."

"That sounds like a divine plan." Lola told him.


	4. Punky Pepperoni's

"So…it's like…on a boat or something?"

"Yes! Idiot! That's what a cruise ship is!" Itachi snapped.

"Okay…so….when is this wedding?"

"Oh my god do you listen to nothing I say!? I told you three times June 27th!" Itachi was losing patience.

"What do you mean can you….can you wear jeans!? Did you just…." Itachi was on the verge of an explosion and so he handed the phone over to Deidara.

"Yeah, um hi. No, Sasuke you can't wear jeans to Itachi's wedding! Not even if they are the really hot Dolce and Gabbana ones, yeah. Fine, we will find you something to wear, yeah. Alright, so you'll be at the wedding? Remember, none of Orochimaru's dumb ass friends can come….oh and none of your dumb ass friends either, yeah!" Deidara quickly added. "Okay here's Itachi." Deidara handed the phone back.

"Look, the only….ONLY reason you are invited to this wedding is because you are my stupid little brother and I feel obligated to have you there! No, no, NO! I'm going to pick out what you're going to wear. Wha…you….no! Just….just shut up okay!? I'm hanging up now, I'll call you later when the date gets closer!" Itahci said hanging up the phone in a huff. "I swear my life is so suckish sometimes! Lola, Konan put those doughnuts down! You all need those doughnuts like Tobi needs another spin art machine! We have three weeks until the wedding and you two are going to have to squeeze your asses into a gown! As a matter of fact…." Itachi was getting ready to reach for the box of doughnuts.

"Oh don't you even you little sorry ass son of a bitch. I fuckin' swear you touch those doughnuts you are gonna be fuckin' Dana with a dildo tonight because there will be nothin' left in those designer jeans of yours. Now….kindly put down my cream filled éclair." Lola threatened him. Konan just giggled.

"Lola said designah and Éclaih." She said dreamily to Kisame.

"That is going to forever thrill you isn't it?" Kisame asked her. Konan giggled again.

"Yes, it so is."

"I'm sorry to have bothered your doughnuts Lola. I hope….you and Konan enjoy them." Itachi said his voice shaking, He was actually on the verge of tearing up. "Deidara…I need you right now!"

"I swear to god Itachi, you are so fragile! Grow some balls with you? Every time you get confronted you crumble! You go crying to Deidara and your perfect little psyche is a wreck." Lola told him.

"Okay, Lola I don't know what has you in this mood but now you're hitting below the belt." Itachi had to fan himself now.

"Go on honey, go let Deidara dry all your tears and I hope you have a fuckin' lovely time picking out your wedding china." Lola said just as bitterly. Itachi ran off with Deidara in a state of shock as his ego melted into the rug.

"I love it when you school him." Konan said.

"God only knows no one else will." Lola told her. "Crueller?" Lola handed the lovely glazed treat to Konan.

"So, okay you and I should go pick out a gown together. I mean, I know they probably tried to dress you in shit that…well is like them. So let's us go." Konan said.

"I don't think I want to today." Lola told her.

"Okay, so next week sometime." Konan said.

"Yeah, yeah next week." Lola said absently. Meanwhile, downtown at Punky Pepperoni's House of Pizza and Fun Center Yunko and Hidan were babysitting Tobi as he swam around in the ball pit.

"Seriously, who would have thought that a pit of balls would entertain Tobi like this?" Hidan asked her.

"Someone had a good idea that's for sure. I wish I could have been the lucky bitch to market a tub of balls to swim in to kids while their parents feast on pizza." Yunko said. 'And shit they even gave it a playful name…the pepper pit and all the balls are green like peppers.

"Hey, do you want some more pizza? Seriously, I'll go get some if you watch…..oh that damn Kakuzu! He's arguing over those stupid ass game tokens again! I'll be back, make sure Tobi doesn't chew on the balls that's why he got kicked out last time! KAKUZU YOU STUPID SHIT! STOP ARGUING OVER TOKENS DAMN IT!" Yunko laughed to herself.

"Well, it WAS a kids place….now those parents look pretty pissed at Hidan."

"OOOOOOH HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY! WOOOO! IT'S PUNKY'S PIZZA KING! WOOOOO" Zetsu was boiling mad as these stupid waitresses and waiters sang him the Punky Pepperoni birthday song and put the ridiculous mushroom crown on his head ….why, why the hell did he EVER promise Tobi he would bring him here if Tobi would just stay out of the wedding plans! It was the stupidest promise ever! Zetsu hated this place more than he hated baseball cards (and he totally hated baseball cards). The lights were annoying, the animal puppets were obnoxious, the prizes were so lame, the games were impossible to win, the pizza….well it was okay. But as far as Zetsu was concerned this place was a money making gold mine that turned kids' minds into mush with all its mind numbing activities.

"IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY! I'M NOT THE PIZZA KING! THIS MUSHROOM HAT IS STUPID! I HATE THIS PLACE!" Zetsu screamed at the innocent waiters and waitresses.

"NO! I clearly had 3700 token to redeem not 3600 tokens!" Kakuzu yelled.

"It's one fucking token! It doesn't matter, seriously!" Hidan yelled at him.

"I earned that token! I demand to redeem these for the water purification system!" Kakuzu insisted.

"YOU STUPID….What? Why the hell why is there a water purification system as a prize here? No kid wants that, seriously." Hidan said logically.

"I must have it! I demand you to recount my tokens!" Kakuzu screamed.

"JUST GO WIN MORE TOKENS YOU MORON AND STOP ARGUING!" Hidan screamed back nearly choking him.

"NOOOOOO! I WON'T! THAT COSTS MONEY! I WON THESE WITH A GIFT CARD….A GIFT CARD!!!" Kakuzu's arguing was getting louder.

"YOU STUPID FUCK I WILL BUY YOU ANOTHER GIFT CARD, SERIOUSLY!" Hidan had Kakuzu on the ground now trying to literally knock some sense into him. Naturally, Kakuzu's token were flying all over the place.

"HIDAN! YOU DUMB ASS MY TOKENS! MY TOKEEEEEENS! HEY! THAY KID TOOK ONE O F MY TOKENS!" Kakuzu screamed.

"Tobi! Tobi! Tobi! You're not supposed to chew on the balls! No Tobi! That's how you got kicked out last time!" Yunko scolded Tobi.

"Yunko? I like your Mountain Dew t-shirt." Tobi said sweetly. Yunko sighed.

"I know you do Tobi, but that's not going to make it okay for you to lick the balls..." Yunko put her hands over her face. "Oh shit…I'm in a kids place…I'm talking about licking balls….I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE….if…anyone heard the thing about the balls…"

Back at the house, Itachi and Dana had chosen the quote: "Most totally perfect and sexy flowers ever at a wedding, yeah." They also had their menu planned, Dana's gown had been ordered, Marisol's maid of honor gown had also been ordered in the baby blue color and Itachi and Deidara's shirts were hanging neatly in their dust bags on the door.

"Okay, I so know what we need to talk about next!" Marisol said. "The bachelor and bachelorette parties! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

"Deidara, I want to go shopping, after that I want to have a fancy party on the sailboat in the harbor. I will have a registry where people can get me the stuff I totally want and I don't want any beer there! Just hard liquor did you get all that should I repeat it? There will be no strippers at my party because if it's not Dana I'm not interested. Oh, and no crab cakes you know how I feel about too much cake not enough crab. And absolutely no lame and clichéd games." Itachi said spelling out exactly what he wanted.

"What about you Dana?! What do you want!?" Marisol was so excited.

"Okay…are you ready for this….you know that game Scene it, yeah? Like it comes with a DVD and stuff, yeah?" Dana asked, her eyes sparkling.

"Yes!" Marisol said.

"I want to play that, yeah! But wait that's not all….and….fix strawberry Daiquiris'…and finally….I want to pass on…..our super secret….book of sex, yeah!" Dana said so excitedly. Marisol screamed with her in glee.

"It is definitely time to pass that book on, yeah." Deidara said.

"For real, I mean there's nothing left to add to that thing. Except for maybe sex as a married woman but Dana, go ahead and add that one in advance before you pass on the book." Itachi told her winking. Wow...let's not beat the door down all at once to get to these parties…


	5. Party Time

Countdown…the months had slipped by and now it was two days before the wedding. Deidara's parents were flying in and meeting the wedding party at the ship. Since everyone had to be packed and gone the next day, tonight was the night of the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Konan had picked out a most lovely silver gown for this wedding. Hidan had talked Yunko into coming along and she was actually looking forward to this quite a bit. Dana was in a crisis because she couldn't find the Dior rhinestone sandals that she had longed for and so she had to settle for Christian Loboutin instead. Marisol and Deidara were so excited they could hardly stand themselves. Tobi was excited but it was because Zetsu was going to get him a disposable camera for the wedding. Kisame and Zetsu were a nervous wreck about getting s sunburn. Pein and Sasori knew there was going to be gambling on this boat and they were greatly looking forward to that. Itachi was mad as hell for reasons that would never be clearly known….probably just throwing one of his girly fits. As for Lola….she STILL had never bothered picking out a gown and today was her last day. What was worse, the stupid party was tonight so she really only had a matter of four hours to find something.

"Deidara! Deidara get down here I need you!" Itachi yelled at him.

"Hold on Itachi, yeah! Princess needs…"

"I don't care get down here!" Itachi's patience had run out three weeks ago.

"Okay, okay here I am, yeah. What did you need?" he sighed.

"Sasuke, sent me a picture of what he is wearing to MY wedding on Tayuya's stupid lame ass cell phone….look at it." Deidara gasped.

"Oh my god…did he buy that at…I don't know….Wal-Mart, yeah?" Deidara asked looking at Sasuke's mess of an outfit which by the way, by completely normal standards the outfit was just fine.

"I…I think I'm going to….cry Deidara." And of course Itachi just HAD to start the dramatic crying spell.

"Ooooh, ooh itachi…it's going to be okay, yeah." Deidara tried to console him.

"It's just….it's…he's….he's my stupid brother…and…and…this is MY WEDDING…and now…he's all….he's…..he's so unattractive Deidara! He doesn't care…that…that he has bad taste!" Itachi sobbed and sobbed.

"Itachi, we're going shopping in two hours like you wanted for your party, yeah. Oh and I got you a sash to wear…there's even a tiara, yeah!" Deidara said trying to cheer him up.

"You….you got me…..a tiara? You mean….to crow me the king of….hot?" Itachi asked still crying.

"Yes Itachi and remember Kakuzu said he wouldn't talk about money today, yeah? Oh! And Dana is going to play Scene It at her party! That game is fun and she's soooo good at that game!" Deidara said still trying to cheer him up.

"Dana's awful at Scene It, she misses every question." Kisame whispered to Hidan. While Deidara took a sulking Itachi off to drown in his sorrows Sasori walked through the door.

"Hey, Hidan….you'd sleep with Lola right?" Sasori asked.

"Oh my god…is this one of those no strings attached things, seriously?" Hidan asked suddenly become very interested in what Sasori had to say.

"No, no, no Hidan. It's just that I know Lola won't pick out anything to wear to the wedding….so I got her this. And you being the honest person you are will tell me if I did a good job." Sasori explained as he pulled the hanging bag off the dress.

"Wow….oh…..wow….it's beautiful Sasori, seriously.

"Oh, it's so her. She'll knock 'em dead in that." Kisame reassured him. Speaking of Lola, no one noticed that she was upstairs with a box tucked behind her back walking to Dana's room.

"Dana? You busy?" Lola asked poking her head in the door.

"No, come in Lola, yeah! I'm just looking at my dress again, yeah. I can't wait to wear it!" Dana's eyes sparkled.

"Yeah, it's beautiful sweetie. Come here sit down I have something for you. I um…I felt bad because I've been dragging my feet getting a gown and…honestly I still haven't gotten one and truthfully…I feel bad because I've been so anti-wedding. So…uh…here…it's for you." Lola said handing the box over to Dana.

"Oooh I hope it's one of those bachelorette sex gifts, yeah!" Dana said. Dana pulled the bow off the box but failed to notice the Dior box before her eyes. She picked up the little card on top of it: 'Dana, you deserve these because every girl deserves happiness. My wedding got fucked in the ass with a spiked broom handle…but yours will be the best – Love Lola'. "Ooooooh Lola! I never knew you've done something like that, yeah. I mean….didn't that hurt…I mean it is so a broom handle." Dana asked seriously. Lola laughed and proceeded to tell her tale. "Lola….that's the saddest thing I've ever heard, yeah. Now I understand that broom handle thing, yeah." Dana said all smiles.

"Come on, open that box. I'm missing my show." Lola encouraged her. She thought Dana's eyes were going to pop out when she saw those coveted Dior sandals she wanted so bad. Now, her screams were deafening.

"OH MY GOD LOLA! OH LY GOD! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!" Dana threw her arms around Lola but practically choked her. Deidara came running in to see what the hell was going on.

"OH YM GOD DANA! THOSE ARE THE DIOR SHOES FOR YOUR WEDDING! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Now Deidara and Dana were screaming….enter Marisol……more screaming……as for Itachi? Well, he was so excited that Dana had gotten her shoes that he started to cry again and he ACTUALLY hugged Lola.

"Shit, why do I do nice things for others? Now, I'm deaf and I smell like Itachi." Lola mumbled. Downstairs, Pein and Konan had arrived. Konan flopped down on the couch holding her stomach.

"What's wrong with you?" Kisame asked her.

"Bluh….I'm sick to my stomach but there was no way in hell I was going to let Lola go at this party on her own. It will probably feel better once I start drinking. Hey, what did you all get Itachi. I got Dana a potholder set do you think she will like it?" Konan asked.

"No, she will definitely hate that, seriously. And we didn't get Itachi anything because Sasori was the only one could afford anything on their registry. Oh, and Yunko is coming to Dana's party. You two will have fun with her but don't do that drinking thing you and Lola do off each others' stomachs…she may get freaked out." Hidan said.

"Oooh Hidan! Please! She needs to be broken in correctly. If she doesn't watch us do that she'll be Dana's partner in Scene It and you know what torture that is!" Konan said.

"You do have a good point, seriously." Hidan said.

"Alright, I'm here and I'm ready to party!" Itachi showed up downstairs looking in Kisame's exact words: 'oh my god you are so gay I don't know why you aren't marrying Deidara, get me a camera this is going on my Facebook.' There was Itachi, wearing a sash and a tiara….the sash read 'Princess Queen'….Deidara had forgotten to change the lettering from Dana's old homecoming sash. But what really set this bachelor off was the tiara.

"Itachi….what the hell? Are we seriously going to the boat with you dressed like that?" Zetsu asked.

"IT'S MY WEDDING AND IT'S MY PARTY AND IT'S MY TIARA!" Itachi yelled at him.

"This is going to be a miserably long night isn't it?" Kakuzu asked Hidan.

"It is….it definitely is." Deidara came down the stairs with a huge box in his hands.

"Itachi, I have everything you asked for, yeah." Deidara reassured him. The box did read: Itachi's party stuff, yeah.

"Now, we're going shopping. I will expect to see you guys on the boat promptly at 7:00." Itachi said as he and Deidara left the house.

"Don't worry I'm talking a bottle of whiskey and my phone. Me and Lola have arranged to text for the entire duration of these parties." Sasori said.

"Are you going to send her those texts with questionable content in them like you did that one time?" Pein asked. Saosri laughed.

"God, wasn't that hilarious when the cell phone carrier called me and asked if I was a registered sex offender?"

"What was really hilarious was how you explained that Lola was not a child but a 40 year old woman. That was priceless. I bet that's the last time you ever start a text message with: Hey little girl, wanna be bad with an older man." Zetsu said.

"Nah, I'll do it again." It was way too funny. Only next time it will be worse." Sasori said laughing. Well, let the partying begin!


	6. Text Messages and The Super Secret Book

It was official, party time was well under way. At Dana's party, Dana and Marisol were teamed up against Lola and Konan and Yunko and none other than Deidara's mom Diana who had flown in with her husband earlier that night…that was the first time Yunko had ever met Diana…poor Yunko. Right now Dana was screaming and jumping up and down because she and Marisol had just gotten their first point of the evening and they had been playing for over an hour. So the score was Dana and Marisol one, Lola and Konan 37, and Diana and Yunko 12…it wasn't Yunko's fault. Diana just couldn't follow the rules really.

"So….it's like a game about some movies or something?" Diana asked.

"Basically, yes. See, it's several trivia questions and you get points by answering them correctly." Yunko explained. Diana still looked a bit confused.

"Dana…honey…why did you want to play this game?" her mother asked.

"It's fun mom, yeah! And me and Marisol are like so good at it." Dana said. Meanwhile on the couch Lola and Konan were in a near conniption over the text Sasori had just sent Lola.

"Oh my god Lola! My sides hurt!" Konan said as she laughed hysterically. "Text him back! Text him back!"

"I can't! I'm laughin' so fuckin' hard I'm cryin'!" Lola said. Everyone had been drinking and eating the cute little finger foods Lola and Konan had made for this stupid party. But, what about the bachelor? What was he doing this night before leaving for the cruise?

"And so I look at her yes, and I say to her…I say….you….you carry fake Christian Dior handbag….get out my studio, yes!" Deidara's father shared this lovely story. Itachi was completely enthralled.

"Oh Dominik, that is so you! And can you believe people like that!? I mean god! Get a grip will they? I don't know how you work in the industry Dominik I just don't." Itachi said.

"Do you think at one point in his life Deidara's dad was totally gay and that Deidara happened like on a dare or something?" Sasori asked Hidan.

"Sersiouly, even though I don't really know Deidara's dad nor do I really care to get to know him…I think at one point he was definitely gay or he might be bi." Hidan said.

"The man is having a conversation with Itachi about what colors are going to be in this spring and how when his fall collection comes out next year it is going to be quote: "a tasty experience, yes."

"This might be the gayest straight bachelor party I've ever been to." Kisame said.

"At least Tobi is down in the cabin entertaining himself while we are up here on the deck." Zetsu said referring to the fact that he had stuck Tobi in the cabin of the sailboat with a countless collection of Dora the Explorer and Barbie Princess videos. Tobi loved those so much.

"Holy shit, read this text Lola sent me….oh god this is the funniest shit ever." Sasori said handing over his phone to Kisame.

"Oh my god! Lola's so stupid!"Kisame laughed hysterically at her message. Dude, what are you going to text back?" Kisame asked.

"Listen to this, I think I'll start with: Oh please baby girl…then I'll elaborate from there." Sasori said.

"You know. This party is really suckish, seriously. Look at Kakuzu! The dumbass is over there trying to find any possible price tags on Deidara's dad's shirt! What a freaking loser!" Hidan said.

"Those three have been over there talking about fashion for at least half of this party. But at least the food is good. Deidara did good. Sasori, text Lola and ask her how Dana's party is going." Zetsu said.

"Oh okay, hold on let me send her this filthy text….alright there…now I'll ask her." Ah yes, Sasori did have his priorities straight.

"Dad! Did you know that this cruise line we're going to be on has like a pool in the boat, yeah!? That's crazy sick!" Deidara said obviously not using any common sense at all…wait…he doesn't have a lot to begin with.

"Oooooh shit! Lola says Dana is making some kind of speech and is getting ready to pass on the super secret book of sex." Sasori reported.

Back at Dana's party….

"Okay, okay now….this book…is a sacred book, yeah, Me and Marisol started putting this book together the first time we ever went on a date, yeah!"

"It's got way good advice in it!" Marisol added happily.

"Everything in this book has been attempted and the results documented, yeah. I don't need this anymore and that's why it is so time to pass on the wisdom of Me and Marisol, yeah. Now, after like….thinking about it and making a list and stuff. I decided the book needed to go to someone not married who probably needs my advice and someone who I know would take care of it, yeah. So…me and Marisol have decided that the super…..secret….book of sex…..goes to…." Dana paused dramatically and drank the rest of her daiquiri. "LOLA!" Dana screamed jumping up and down. Of course, Lola was in the middle of a raunchy text message and laughing at the one she had just received. Too bad she hadn't had enough whiskey yet. Konan was laughing at the fact that Lola got the stupid book and Yunko was quite relieved that she didn't get the book.

"What the fuck? I got the book? What the hell?!" Lola said realizing she had just been given the honor of getting this tattered homemade book that looked like it had been drug through glitter, chewed on a little bit, possibly had a latte spilt on it, god only knows what that stringy crap hanging out of it was and the pages were notebook paper. Dana handed it over to her all smiles as Marisol poured another daiquiri. Lola was scared to touch it. Konan grabbed Lola's phone and immediately texted Sasori to tell him that Lola got the book.

"Um….Dana….I appreciate that you're giving me this…..book and all….but honey…I'm 40. I think I've figured it all out." Lola said barely touching the book with two fingers and holding it up in front of her.

"No, no, no Lola! Just wait until you've read pages 46, 51, 74 and 92." Marisol said. In the midst of Dana and Marisols screaming and happiness over passing on the book, Lola looked at Yunko.

"Yunko, do you want this thing? It smells like….pears and possible latex…god if there is a condom in here I will freak." Lola said offering the book over. Yunko made a face of disgust.

"No….that's okay…but you know. Some psycho pervert would probably buy that off eBay." She suggested.

"That's a good idea….I'll give it to my assistant next week…he's a psycho pervert." Lola said.

"Hey, Sasori wants you to text him a page of the book so he Pein, Hidan and Kisame can laugh at it." Konan said.

Meanwhile, Itachi's party had turned into a cry fest at this point….

"And….and then….when I was 16….my stupid overbearing father said it wasn't okay for a man to use facial cleaner…." Itachi bawled into Deidara's dad's shoulder.

"Oooh, Itachi no cry, yes? It's okay to use a cleanser. You know that, yes?" Deidara's dad was so comforting.

"Oooooooh Dominik! You're…..you're like the over the top trendy dad I never had.

"Um….Itachi….I know you've been having a moment for the past twenty minutes and everything….but…..weren't we supposed to pick up your little brother like….two hours ago at the airport, yeah?" Itachi was still crying.

"Oooh shit! My little brother is so unattractive!" Itachi wailed.

"Okay, dad…you take care of Itachi…I'll fix this, yeah. See, this is why I'm the best man….because I….am the best, yeah." Deidara hurried off to see what Sasori was doing. "Sasori! Oh Sasori this is no time for laughter, yeah!" Deidara started. "Okay, I need you to go get Sasuke at the airport….we kind of forgot him there, yeah."

"Yeah, okay we'll do it." Sasori said referring to him, Hidan and whoever else wanted to leave this party of course.

"Thanks, yeah! Okay, I'm going to go calm Itachi down. He keeps crying and talking about his hellish father, yeah." Deidara said.

"Okay, wait…one of us has to stay here with Kakuzu and Tobi." Sasori said.

"I'll stay and give Zetsu a break. Zetsu can go with you guys and escape Itachi's flop of a bachelor party." Kisame volunteered to stay behind. Oh what a night! But in the morning everyone had to get on a plane to Miami…would they make it to the airport and onto the cruise line on time.

My apologies for the SLOW updates. I've been very very busy this month and time wont' free up for me until after Dec. 13. Bear with me. I promise to keep updating as I have time!


	7. Drivin' Like a Bat Outta' Hell

Poor Itachi, he had cried himself to sleep the night before…not really because he was sad over the fact that his dad was never half the father that Deidara's was. It wasn't because he had had too much to drink the night before and had opened the flood gates about how Deidara was his best friend and the best best man ever in life. No, it was none of those…Itachi had cried himself to sleep over the fabulous bachelor party Deidara had thrown him. So, here we are…it was 8:30 in the morning. Itachi was asleep and hung over, Deidara and Marisol were sound asleep and couldn't hear the stupid alarm clock blaring at them. Dana was so consumed in her morning herbal bath that she had no clue what time it was. Lola and Sasori were asleep and hung over. Konan had passed out on the couch with a trash can next to her because Konan felt sick the night before and Dana knew it was from too much tequila. Kisame had been up most of the night and had only gotten to sleep in the past couple hours. Hidan was arguing with Kakuzu over how ZipLoc bags got their name and so they had no concept of time. Tobi was passed out in his Pokemon tent and Sasuke….well Sasuke was sound asleep in the middle of the floor. Deidara's parents had stayed in a hotel in town. Poor Yunko had gone to sleep in the laundry room because it was warmer in there. Hidan was a bit oblivious and had no idea she was in there….he should probably find out. Finally, Zetsu was closed up in his Venus fly trap of a head and looked so peaceful. Now, with all this being said here was the problem….the plane for Miami was supposed to leave at 8:45 AM….it was 7:30 and NO ONE was ready to get moving.

Thank goodness Pein was the only one who was awake and packed and fortunately for Konan he had packed for her which would make Konan free of obligation. Pein was outside knocking on the door. He let himself in when no one answered. "Konan? Konan are you awake?" Pein noticed Sasuke passed out in the floor. "This can't be good…Sasori!? Kisame? What the hell? Is everyone asleep?" Pein yelled. Konan began to stir only to throw up miserably in the trash can beside her. "Oh my god, Konan! How much have you had to drink, honey?" Pein dropped the luggage and ran over to Konan.

"Ooooh shit, Pein. I don't think I drank too much last night. But shit, I am so sick. Dana thinks I drank a lot. What the hell time is it?" Konan asked barely awake. Sasuke was awake now at the sound of Pein's luggage slamming into the floor.

"Konan, it's now 8:00…we are going to be late for the flight and Itachi is going to be pissed as hell." Pein said.

"What the fuck Pein!? We have to wake everyone up!" Konan said panicking but feeling too sick to move.

"Wait, wait…you just lay here and I'll go get everyone up." Pein assured her. Konan collapsed back on the couch. At this point Sasuke and Yunko were awake.

"Hi Pein, why do you look so shocked?" Sasuke asked getting off the floor.

"Because we have a plane to catch in 45 minutes! SASORI! LOLA! Get up!" And in exactly 20 minutes Pein had everyone up and the house was in complete panic.

"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE! GET MOVING! GET THE FUCK MOVING! GO, GO, GO, GO! GO YOU IDIOTS!" Itachi screamed as he and Dana ran toward the front door with their hands crammed full of luggage and other bags.

"Yunko! Yunko where did you sleep last night, seriously?" Hidan said taking Yunko's face in his hands.

"It was cold so I slept in the laundry room. It smells so nice in there." Yunko said calmly. Hidan smiled and kissed her.

"You really should have…slept in…in my bed. I mean, I…I don't mean you should have had sex with me, seriously. Especially since we've only been going out for…" Yunko laughed and cut Hidan off kissing him.

"THERE'S NO TIME TO KISS ANYONE! MOVE PEOPLE! OUT THE FUCKING DOOR AND TO THE AIRPORT! DEIDARA! DEIDARA GET MY CARRY ON BAG!" Itachi yelled.

"Marisol! We are so going to go on one of those dolphin dive things when we get to the Bahamas, yeah!" Deidara said excitedly.

"Oh my god! That will be so fun! We should so do that!" Marisol squealed.

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR EXCITEMENT DEIDARA! GET THE HELL OUT THE DOOR AND IN THE CAR! SASUKE! STOP BEING UN-HOT AND MOOOOOVE!!!!!!!" Itachi screamed. Natrually, Zetsu was having a hard time with Tobi because Tobi wouldn't get his act together and get out of the house. The good news was that everyone was already packed all they had to do was somehow make it to the airport on time. Dana had INSISTED that her dress be her carry on bag.

"Oh, I hope they have cappuccinos on the plane, yeah!" Deidara said prancing happily toward the door.

"THERE IS NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT FUCKING CAPPICINOS!" Itachi was becoming more intolerable as the seconds ticked away. "Lola! You know how to drive like an angry Bostinian right?" Itachi asked not even asking Sasori if half of them could pile into he and Lola's Acura.

"Well, it's been a while since I've been in true Boston traffic…but I can assure you I can get us to the airport in exactly twelve minutes." Lola said throwing luggage in the back and a laptop in the front.

"Did you cram your dress into that suitcase!?" Itachi demanded.

"This is not the time to fight with me about the dress! I'll steam the mother fucker when we're on the ship!" Lola yelled at him shoving Itachi's luggage into the back as well. Sasori picked up where Lola left up shoving luggage into the SUV. As for Pein and Konan's car things weren't going as fluidly…

"Tobi! We have to leave! Take your stupid stuff back inside! I've told you three times you can't take all that crap!"

"Shit! I don't have my stupid boarding pass, seriously! Kakuzu! This is your fucking fault!" Hidan said running back into the house. Konan was asleep and sick in the front seat, she was in horrible shape for this flight.

"Zetsu! All your crap just fell out of your suitcase because it popped open!" Kisame said looking at Zetsu's spilt luggage.

"Damn it! Stupid cheap clearance value suitcase!" Zetsu said clambering out of the car and taking off to gather his things.

"Hey! Hey Pein! Are you driving!?" Lola yelled ready to peel out of the driveway.

"Yeah, yeah I'm driving!" Pein yelled back.

"Alright, listen! I'm going to drive like a maniac! You better fuckin' keep up with me!" Lola warned.

"Don't worry baby girl, I'm on it." Pein said.

"Hold on tight…it's time to drive this bitch like a pissed cab driver in the middle of rush hour on a Friday night just wanting to get the fuck off duty so he can throw back a Sam Adams and watch the Red Sox beat the shit out of the Yankees ." Lola said slamming the Acura into drive.

"OH MY GOD I AM SO ATTRACTED TO HER!" Sasori yelled fastening his seatbelt…literally fastening his seatbelt. Marisol screamed as she and Dana slammed into the back of the front seat. Lola had peeled rubber in the driveway.

"Oh shit! She wasn't kidding! Oh my god I am not going to be able to keep up with a woman who is a seasoned veteran of East coast traffic jams!" Pein said nearly losing control of the wheel before even pulling out of the driveway. Lola managed to run three stop signs and once onto the highway toward the airport some dumbass had the nerve to merge in front of her…

"OOOOOOH WHAT GIVES MOTHER FUCKER!" Lola laid on the horn. "NO ONE PULLS OUT OF LOLA!" Lola thought about what she just said. "I MEAN…NO ONE PULLS OUT IN FRONT OF LOLA! GOD! GO TO HELL YOU ASSHOLE!"

"LOLA! I HAVE NEVER LIKED YOU AS MUCH AS I DO RIGHT NOW!" Itachi yelled at her.

"YEAH, WHATEVER BITCH! YOU WANT ME BECAUSE I'M AGGRESSIVE, FURIOUS, AND I LIKE IT ROUGH! LIKE THE WAY WE'RE GONNA CROSS FOUR DAMN LANES OF TRAFFIC…HOLD ON!" Lola yelled at Itachi. Dana and Marisol laughed while Sasuke looked like he might throw up any minute.

"Holy shit! We are all going to die! Where did Lola learn to drive like this!? I am never living in Massachusetts or Connecticut if this is what it takes! I just don't have the balls!" Pein said. "Hidan! Start praying to Jaashin that we make it!" Pein said. In exactly 12 minutes the Acura was now patiently in line awaiting a parking pass.

"Don't worry, Sasori, I'll fuck you that same way later." Lola said rolling the window down to talk to the parking attendant.

"Okay, Tobi hasn't said anything the whole way here…is he alright?" Pein asked.

"Oh he's fine. He's just been doing a mad lib by himself. He thinks it's funny to make up the words himself." Zetsu explained. Well, they had made it. Next stop….wedding day!


	8. Airline Food

"I want it! I want it! I must have that!" Tobi squealed at the TV screen on the plane. He bounced up and down in his seat frantically.

"Tobi! What was the last thing I told you before we got on this plane!" Zetsu scolded him.

"But I…I want the aqua sand Zetsu! It's like moonsand but I can use it underwater! I need to have that!" Tobi whined.

"Tobi! If you shut up and stop bouncing I'll buy you the damn aqua sand when we get back from this stupid wedding!" Zetsu promised.

"Yay! Yaaaay! Good Tobi gets sand!" Tobi clapped for himself. Zetsu sighed and shook his head.

"Ma'am? We're going to have to ask you to stow your carry on bag." The stewardess said nicely to Dana.

"Oh What!? Excuse me bitch but that's her wedding gown! My soon to be wife does not stow her wedding gown!" Itachi yelled at her.

"Excuse me but I don't have to put with your tone. You won't disrespect me like that!" great…now the stewardess was going to argue with Itachi…that wasn't a smart idea at all. So, while this hell unfolded there was an interesting conversation going on two rows back.

"So get this, Deidara ran his best man toast by me the other night." Sasori was explaining to Hidan.

"Seriously? How did it sound?" he asked.

"Well, the opening line is 'the first time I learned that Itachi had slept with my big sister I was mad as hell, yeah.' And the closing line is, 'and that's why I think open toed boots won't last this season, yeah.'" Hidan blinked a couple of times.

"Seriously…what the hell?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking. His speech really does not make any sense at all and I knew Itachi would love it which is why I told him to change nothing about it. Of course, anyone else that...you know…thinks on a daily basis will know it's completely idiotic." Sasori said.

"Wow….I can't wait to hear this." Hidan said.

"Hello? Hi Steven. Yeah, yeah I have the files. No, I'm on a plane right now Steven I can't proofread your crap. Steven! I told you to handle this before I got on this damn plane! What do you mean!? I'm on my way to the fucking Bahamas! St….Ste…Steven! Steven shut up! I'll handle it when I'm on the boat and I have a wi-fi connection! Goodbye Steven the stewardess is hovering over me and her breasts are almost touching my laptop…I have to order some whiskey, I'm hanging up!" Lola said cutting whoever that was from her office off. "I'm sorry It's just that your breasts are on my keyboard…I'm mean it's cool and all I don't judge…it's…it's your choice to wear such a low cut top and…you know I'm rambling can we both get a double tall shot of whiskey?" Lola asked. Fortunately, the stewardess was sweet.

"Sure, I'll be back with that once we are in mid-air." The stewardess said.

"You know she's got a good ass too." Lola whispered to Sasori as she walked away.

"I think her breasts are fake." Sasori said.

"Really?" Lola asked rather surprised.

"Yeah…they're too round. I dare you to poke her when she comes back." Sasori told her.

"If I were smashed I'd so do that…you know, just for violations sake." Lola said. In the next row back poor, poor Konan was asleep on Pein's shoulder.

"Is she going to be okay?" Kisame asked.

"I'm sure she will be. I think she just had too much to drink last night. I figure she'll sleep this whole flight and be recovered by tonight and ready for the wedding tomorrow." Pein said.

"Well, if she wakes up and wants headache medicine I have some in this bag." Kisame said.

"Domink, for god's sake can you get off that phone long enough for this plane to take off? I swear don't you talk to Itlay enough already?" Dana's mother tried to get Domink off the phone long enough for the plane to get off the runway.

"Sigmund? I call you back, yes? The plane ready to leave. Do nothing with those bolts of fabric until I speak with you again, yes? Okay, ciao Sigmund!" Domink finally hung up the phone and this plane was finally starting off the runway. Itachi had won the fight with the stewardess and now Dana's wedding gown was hanging…mostly in the aisle so it wouldn't wrinkle.

"Oh my god! Itachi I so can't wait until we get to Miami and get on the boat, yeah!" Dana said. Itachi kissed her.

"Me neither Dana, me neither!" Itachi said. "And you know, I'm really looking forward…" Itachi was interrupted by Sasuke.

"Um…Itachi?" Sasuke asked. Itachi shifted his eyes angrily to Sasuke.

"What…the hell…do you WANT!" Itachi snapped.

"Is it okay if I tilt my seat back?" Sasuke asked. Itachi glared at him and gritted his teeth.

"Foolish…little…brother….NO YOU CANNOT PUT YOUR SEAT BACK! YOU'LL WRINKLE MY PANTS! GO TO HELL! LEAVE YOUR SEAT IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION LIKE THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAID! DUMBASS!" Itachi flipped on him waking up the obese man in front of Sasuke….and now the obese man was giving him an earful.

"Oh my god! Deidara, what is this…sky mall catalog? How do you order things….from the sky? Does it like…fall from the sky and stuff? Like you know, you order what you want and it falls from the sky?" Marisol asked seriously.

Deidara looked at the catalog pondering Marisol's question…how DID the sky mall work? "Whoa…Marisol…I've like…so never thought about this before, yeah. But who would order anything from this sky mall? I mean look how totally gay this scarf and hat set is, yeah! It even says 'I'm gay' on the edges!" Deidara observed.

"Hi, hi…yes could I get…let's see…now does the cold cut trio really come with three different types of meat? I like getting my money's worth." Kakuzu said. Hidan rolled his eyes and it was only a matter of time before Yunko was caught right in the middle of a Hidan/Kakuzu brawl.

"Dumbass! Why else would they call it a cold cut trio, seriously!?" Hidan provoked him.

"I like to be informed Hidan! Now, what kind of toppings come on this sandwich? Kakuzu asked.

"For the love of Jasshin Kakuzu! Does it really matter!?" Hidan yelled.

"Yes! Yes it does! You know I'm allergic to Dijon mustard you moron!" Kakuzu yelled back. "I'm sorry my friend is so idiotic. Does it come with Dijon?"

"No sir, it's served with cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, purple onion, and bacon." The flight attendant politely answered.

"Okay, now when we're talking cheese…"

"KAKUZU! YOU'RE THE BIGGEST IDIOTIC I'VE EVER MET! EITHER YOU ORDER THE DAMN SANDWICH OR I'M GOING TO SYTHE YOUR HEAD OFF!" Those were not the words Hidan needed to say…

"TERROR ALERT! TERROR ALERT! CODE RED!" the flight attendant yelled.

"OH! OH! OH! NOOO! NO, NO, NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THERE IS NO ALERT! I CAN EXPLAIN!" Yunko quickly interjected. "See, Hidan….well…he and Kakuzu fight a lot and he in no way means harm to Kakuzu or any other passenger or employee on this plane. Sometimes, he….he just gets carried away and Kakuzu gets threatened a lot. He doesn't have a sythe." Thank god for Yunko right now.

"Oh geez! That's a relief. Thank you for that explanation. Now about that sandwich, sir? Would you like me to get it for you?"

"Now regarding the bread…" Hidan cut Kakuzu off.

"Ooooooooh what the hell you loser! It's bread, seriously!"

"Shut up Hidan! You know I'm also allergic to certain types of herbs!"

"Oooooh boo fucking hooo! You're so high maintenance!" Hidan yelled. Meanwhile, Itachi's in-flight order was going much more pleasant.

"And, could I get the tomato mozzarella brushetta and a glass of white wine? Thanks! You're a dear!"

"Oh! I'll have the cheddar chicken sandwich with low fat mayo of course, yeah! Some of those lovely carrot sticks, the applesauce and a martini, yeah!" Dana said happily. Four rows back Zetsu and Kisame had placed their order but were laughing hysterically at what Sasori and Lola were in the middle of….

"Um….please don't take this as sexual harassment but I'll have the grilled….chicken….breast….sandwich…" Sasori said reluctantly. Of course the stewardess had her breasts in Lola's laptop again as Lola sipped on whiskey.

"Okay! Now, what would you like with that?" the stewardess was certainly a happy woman.

"I'll….have the fries. Oh and a side salad! Can I get a side salad…there's nothing sexual about salad right Lola?" Sasori whispered to her.

"Yeah, sure. Okay, sweetie, I'll have the…my god if she leans over any farther they're going to clop on my laptop!" Lola thought that part to herself. "I'd like to have the mozzarella sticks, and I'll have a side salad too. Also can I get a…plump…juicy…just…make ya wanna squeeze it orange? Hell, who am I kidding I won't eat it after this image…I'll take an order of garlic toast." Lola said hoping she would leave soon so she could once again see her keyboard. Perhaps things would start to calm down now. This was a six hour flight and right now a meal was much welcomed.

Next stop…The Bahamas!!!


	9. Boarding Passes

"LOOK DUMBASS! IT SAYS UCHIHA ITACHI! THAT'S ME MORON!" Ah yes, boarding an ocean liner wouldn't be complete without Itachi arguing about his boarding pass.

"Tobi, I'm going to tell you this one time….and if you disobey me I will lock you up in the cabin do you hear me? Now, you hold on to my hand and don't let go!" Zetsu warned him. "Hey Yunko, I hate to put this on you but since you and Hidan are walking behind me make sure stupid Tobi doesn't let go of my hand." Zetsu asked of her.

"Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him." Yunko reassured him.

"WHAT THE HELL!? NO! NO! THAT IS MY MUCH LESS ATTRACTIVE YOUNGER BROTHER! I MEAN WOULD YOU LOOK AT ME COMPARED TO HIS SORRY ASS? WHO WOULD YOU RATHER SLEEP WITH….NOW DON'T LIE!" Oh Itachi, this was going nowhere and unfortunately Deidara, Marisol and Dana were completely distracted by a flock of seagulls.

"Um….I'm really not going to answer that sir. Now if I can just stamp your boarding pass…" this guy was clearly not in the mood to deal with our drama queen.

"OH MY GOD! DON'T TOUCH MY CLOTHES IDIOT!" Itachi screamed at him handing over the boarding pass. "DEIDARA! I NEED YOU!" Well, there went the seagull watching.

"Pein…it's hot here…why did I wear these stupid pants?" Konan asked. "God! I'm sweating!" Konan said fanning herself.

"I know what you mean. I clearly didn't think this through when we left the house….stupid coat." Pein said trying to squirm it off of himself. Now that Itachi was done holding up the line everyone boarded the ocean liner pretty quickly. Now, the first task for everyone that wasn't Deidara was to check into their cabins…if you were Deidara your job was to go check in with the on-site wedding coordinator. Naturally, since Deidara couldn't handle that on his own he needed brain power to come with him….Marisol to the rescue!

"Deidara, listen to me…me and Dana and going to check in. Now, you make sure everything is PERFECT….PERFECT! Do you hear me? Tomorrow morning when I'm a groom I want everything to look like it freaking came off of page 116 in the Platinum Weddings magazine! Deidara, are you getting this? If there are not crystal chandeliers, a working fountain in the middle of the reception are filled with koi, and my god Deidara if the ceremony isn't going to be held on the back of this boat so help me…..I WILL KILL SOMEONE! It won't be you…BUT IT WILL BE SOME UNLUCKY DUMBASS! Oh and Deidara, you make sure our flowers are beautiful!! Do you hear me? I mean kick some ass if you have to! Punch someone in the face if you need to and Deidara….if you need to break something….break someone else's!" Itachi said before bursting into tears.

"Now Itachi, me and Marisol are going to go handle everything, yeah. Now stop crying. We're not going to start this already, yeah." Deidara said.

"Oh my god! You're the best friend anyone could ever have!" Itachi's desperate weeping was interrupted by one of Sasuke's questions….so Itachi's tears turned to pure rage.

"OH MY GOD! DON'T ASK ME QUESTIONS YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY!!!" Itachi screamed at Sasuke.

"Oh….um…sorry I didn't realize you were busy with other things." Sasuke said trying to drag his suitcase around that had a wheel broken off of it.

"Lola, you just got a text message did you hear it?" Sasori asked her.

"Yeah, I better see who it is…." Not a good choice, Lola….not a good choice. "WHAT THE HELL!? OOOOOOOH THAT SON OF A BITCH! Hi, I'm terribly sorry about that. I know you just want my boarding pass…but now I have to call my office and fire a dumb fuck there because they just shredded a very important document that can make or break a case I'm working on." Lola smiled and handed over the boarding pass.

"If you want to watch this is going to be freaking great." Sasori told the attendant.

"I'd love to see a good show but I have a job to do." The attendant told him.

"I understand. You have a good day. I'm going to calm her down." Sasori said. Lola was so mad she was shaking….this was going to be epic. Sasori took her luggage and headed off to find their cabin…firing someone was a two hand job. Lola needed one hand to hold the phone and the other hand to flair around with.

"Hi, I can assure you I'm not a terrorist….please don't look at me like that. I think my dad may have been a shark but I can't confirm nor deny it." Kisame said dryly.

"Whatever…you look safe." The attendant said taking Kisame's pass. It's a good thing no one insisted on taking Zetsu into any dimly lit rooms for questioning…I mean after all, Zetsu could be a shady character at times.

"Now, Marisol our first job is to find this lady and tell her that we are here, yeah. We have to look everything over and make sure nothing is ugly." Deidara said.

"Right! I wonder where we need to go to find this lady?" Marisol asked. Oh god, this was like the blind leading the blind…

"Do you…always have blue hair?" Deidara's mother asked Konan touching her hair.

"Yes, yes I always have blue hair….now could you do me a favor and not touch it. I'm kind of not in the mood." Konan begged of her.

"Oh, certainly dear, it's just so….well I've never seen a girl with blue hair like this." Deidara's mom said still touching it.

"KAKUZU! I HATE YOU! I HOPE SOMEONE…LIKE MAYBE ME THROWS YOU OFF THIS DAMN OCEAN LINER AND DROWNS YOU!" Hidan was on a roll.

"But Hidan! You knew this was going to be a small cabin! I told you not to bring all your Jasshin crap!" Kakuzu tried to rationalize with him.

" DON'T YOU EVER CALL MY RITUALISTIC JASSHIN MATERIALS CRAP! I NEED THESE THINGS! MY GOD LOOK AT THIS PLACE! I CAN BARELY FIT MY SUITCASE ON THE BED!" Okay, we'll just leave this situation alone for the time being.

"Oh my god…Dana I think I might cry any minute…" Itachi said, his voice already getting all weepy at the sight of their beautiful upgraded cabin. It was at least three times bigger than the one that Kakuzu and Hidan were bitching about. It was now too late, Itachi was in tears with his arms around Dana nearly knocking her over with his ridiculous amount of luggage.

"Oh my god! Itachi this is like, totally bitchin' and stuff, yeah! " Dana said in awe of the sights around her.

"Yes, yes Dana this is truly bitchin'." Itachi said crying on her shoulder.

"Well, come on! Come on! Let's unpack and get changed for our rehearsal dinner tonight, yeah!" Dana said shoving her soon to be husband off her shoulder. Bless her little heart, she was so excited and Itachi was so…well…Itachi-ish. He continued crying as Dana hung her wedding gown on the back of the closet door. Dana was so excited to get everything unpacked.

"Well, here is the reception hall. I hope that the décor will suit the bride and groom." The lovely coordinator told Deidara and Marisol as she opened the doors to the reception area. Both Marisol and Deidara stared in complete disbelief at the picturesque reception hall. It was fit for Itachi's incredibly high maintenance taste all the way down to the china.

"Oh…my….god…it's like….Dana's favorite colors and stuff!" Marisol said looking around. Poor thing, she must have not remembered that she and Dana had sat down and chosen these colors with Itachi over eight months ago. Deidara grabbed her hand.

"Itach is so going to cry when he sees this….kind of like I'm tearing up right now, yeah!" Deidara said.

"Look Deidara! Here's where the chef will put the cake! Oh my god look at these champagne goblets!" Marisol noticed.

"So, did our event coordinators build this to please?" the woman asked.

"Oh….you have no idea how beautiful this is, yeah. Itachi will love this more than he loves Gianni Versace." Deidara said fanning himself.

"Excellent, come see where the ceremony will be held." The woman said leading them out of the reception area.

"Lola…I know you're pissed as fuck right now…but you just threw your Blackberry into the depths of the ocean….I guess there are some sharks that will be hitting up their friends and….texting squids and…you know Lola let's just go change for the dinner and forget about your idiotic co-worker." Sasori put his arm around her shoulders and lead Lola away to their room.

"I work with some total dipshits you know that? I mean, I've got my shit together, why can't my ignorant co-workers! You're right though…I'm going to forgot about that dumb fuck and drink…a lot at dinner. Damn I hope shrimp and salmon is on the menu." Lola said. "Saosri…I'm sorry I fucked up another Blackberry." Lola kissed his hand.

"It's okay, honey. I now know 'Kevin' by first name I'm sure I can call him and have you another one by Wednesday." Sasori admitted.

"Who's Kevin?" Lola asked.

"The guy that constantly replaces your phones…god wait until I tell him this one." Sasori said.

"Tobi! No Tobi! Stop feeding those seagulls! Don't you realize that if you feed them they'll just keep hovering there and attack you!" Zetsu yelled at him.

"Fun! Fun Zetsu! Look! I'm feeding the seagulls!" Tobi was so happy.

"Stop it Tobi! OH MY GOD! IT'S GOT MY PLANT HEAD! IT'S GOT MY PLANT HEAD!" Zetsu panicked as one of the seagulls began to peck his head.

Ah, how pleasant this was! Sooner than later this ship would depart and a wedding would ensue!


	10. The Shocking Truth

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO HOT, YEAH!" Deidara screamed at Marisol and the coordinator as he and Marisol saw the spot where Itachi and Dana would be married.

"Deidara! This sooooo reminds me of that movie!" Marisol said as she bounced around with Deidara.

"What movie, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"You know! The one…with the boat in it! And like….bad crap happens to the guy and the girl has bad taste in dresses! You know! And it's like….set in ancient times and stuff!" Marisol said. Deidara thought very hard about this…

"Oh yeah! The one with that song that makes people cry! What's it called? My Heart Won't Go On! That's it!" Deidara said still bouncing.

"Okay…I'm going to need you to stop bouncing and count the guest chairs and make certain they are correct." The coordinator said breaking up this lovely bouncing moment.

"Hooooooly shit….what the fuck is that…" Kisame was completely mortified by the sight before him.

"Well, he told me it would fit and that he looked great in it so I probably would too." Sasuke said.

"Now, I want you to know I mean this in the nicest way possible…it looks horrible…the color is wretched…and if you tried to sit down I swear I think those pants would explode." Kisame said staring at the monstrosity that was Sasuke's tuxedo that Orochimaru had given him to wear for this wedding.

"Hey Kisame have you seen…oh my god, what the hell Sasuke?" Sasori was in on this now.

"It's like he stepped right back in to 1975." Kisame said.

"Wait….the horrible pale purple color….the frilly white shirt…the velvet bow tie…Kisame…Orochimaru wore this to his PROM….IN 1975!" Sasori shrieked.

"OH MY GOD MAN! YOU'RE RIGHT! Oooooh crap! That picture…that he keeps in his secret lair….of him and that ugly girl! It even says 'prom 1975' and he's wearing this god awful tux!" Kisame realized. It was wretched, the terrible pale purple color, the fact that it was squeezing the life out of Sasuke from the waist down….the ridiculous bell bottom at the…bottom. This was a train wreck.

"Why didn't you try this on before you left?" Sasori asked and that did make sense.

"Orochimaru assured me that this was a good look for me…he said it worked for him." Sasuke said innocently.

"Sasuke…this NEVER worked for him…not even in 1975." Kisame said.

"Itachi's going to go berserk when he sees this…I mean he'll kill him…Itachi WILL kill his ass when he sees this. We gotta do something." Sasori said.

"Hey beautiful, come we're going to…..whoa….that's sick." Lola said wrapping an arm around Sasori and joining in on this lovely moment.

"What can we do Lola….this is terrible." Kisame said.

"Well...my first professional advice would be to get those pants off or he will NEVER have any kids…after that...I'm all out. You know, I must be on edge because I was just at the bar and I snapped a guy's head off just because he gave me an amaretto sour instead of a whiskey sour. I never do things like that! Then Itachi started to cry and he told me he loved me when I yelled at people." Lola said.

"Hey…that reminds me. We need to get ready for the rehearsal dinner." Kisame said.

"You're right…god! Stupid ass rehearsal dinner! God! Stop being a bitch Lola!" Lola said throwing her hands up in the air. "Alright, I'm going to go pour my ass into something." And so Lola stormed off back to her and Sasori's room. Sasori sighed.

"Is she going to be alright? We're not even to the wedding yet." Kisame asked sincerely.

"She'll be fine…I might fall apart…but she'll be okay." Sasori said honestly.

"Dude…you so need a hug." Kisame said throwing his arms around Sasori.

"I'm sorry! We just keep losing count, yeah! This time we'll get it right for sure!" Deidara told the coordinator who was obviously losing patience with that fact that he and Marisol had recounted the chairs for the seventh time now. The coordinator sighed.

"Take your time…" she said looking at her watch not realizing what she was dealing with when Deidara got involved.

"Tobi, let's go over this again…what is your job tomorrow at the wedding?" Zetsu quizzed him.

"I'm supposed to crazily hit old people with the guest book!" Tobi said eagerly.

"No! No! No! You're supposed to serve as a distraction for any crazy old people who TRY to sign the guest book!" Zetsu explained for the third time.

"Oooooooh, okay Zetsu! I've got it! Distract crazy old people from the guest book!" Tobi repeated. "Hey Zetsu? What's a guestbook?" Tobi asked innocently. Zetsu planted his palm in the middle of his face. Why oh why didn't Dana give Tobi an easier job!?

Five hours later at the rehearsal dinner…

"My god these shrimp appetizers are amazing, seriously!" Hidan proudly proclaimed.

"Is all this really free? Are you telling me I don't have to pay for anything?" Kakuzu asked the waiter with the shrimp appetizers.

"Yes sir, you're with the bridal party which means that none of this is of any charge to you." The waiter reassured Kakuzu.

"I love you…" Kakuzu told him taking way too many appetizers at one time.

"Sorry we're late. Thanks for saving us a seat at the table. Sasori couldn't find…" Lola stopped talking…looked at Yunko then at Hidan, then back at Yunko. "You two kissed." Lola inferred.

"Oh my god! Lola, you're unbelievable! How did you know that, seriously!?" Hidan asked.

"It's easy…Yunko's lit up like a comet and you're eating shrimp appetizers like they are going out of style. Hidan! I know you eat shrimp when you get nervous!" Lola said.

"Holy Jaashin! Lola you read me like a book! Yes we kissed! And doesn't Yunko look nice tonight, seriously?" Hidan asked.

"You do sweetie, I like purple on you. It's a nice suit. So where's Pein and Konan?" Lola asked pulling out a chair for Sasori to sit beside her.

"Pein is talking to Deidara's dad. I don't know where Konan is." Hidan said.

"You know, Deidara's dad really freaks me the hell out. I mean look at him! He's in his forties, the man looks like he isn't a day over 35 and my god Deidara's a spitting image of him and why the hell isn't he gay? I mean do you think he secretly could be? He's been talking to guys the whole time he's been here! God, I need a drink.

"Oh Lola, Deidara's dad is a conundrum to all of us. If in the event Deidara's dad is gay, he somehow managed to be un-gay long enough to have two children." Sasori said.

"Itachi, you marry my daughter tomorrow, yes. That is why I bring you…as a wedding gift….this." Deidara's trendy father handed something other to him in an envelope. "Please, please open it, yes?" he waited. For once this evening Itachi was screaming or crying….which he had basically been alternating between the two all day. Oh wait…spoke too soon.

"Oh my god….Dominik! is this…..is this…" Itachi was all tears now. "I…I just can't believe…that you are giving me a share….in your company discount to Dior…you're like….the father I never had and the best father-in-law in the history of father-in-laws. You know…my dad…he was always like….not interested in fashion and he was just…you know…a bitch most of the time..." great now here was Itachi crying in the arms of Deidara's father. And now Deidara just realized something important…

"Oh my god! Itachi! We're like….brothers now, yeah!" Deidara said his eyes as wide as plates. Well, that only made Itachi cry even more.

"I've always wanted you to be my brother! But I'm stuck with that!" Now Itachi was crying uncontrollably and pointing to Sasuke who had worn something of Pein's to this rehearsal dinner to avoid any life shattering, near death moments with Itachi. Dana and Marisol had missed this entire moment because they were going through all gifts that had been sent to this blissfully happy couple.

"Whoa….Dana I can't wait for you and Itachi to so open these because I want to see every one of them!" Marisol said excitedly.

"What do you think this one is, yeah!?" Dana said pointing to something quite large.

"Dana…I bet it's a car." Marisol said seriously even though there was no way in hell it could be a car….a refrigerator maybe….a car…no. But naturally, Dana thought this idea was brilliant.

"Oh my god, you are probably right, yeah! That means….we can drive places!" Dana said jumping up and down with Marisol.

"Dana! We need to go have out last apple martini as two single girls…because the next one we have…you'll be…MARRIED AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Marisol squealed. Oh the screaming…

"Hey, hey…hey uh….Lola...can I talk to you?" Konan said looking a bit nervous.

"Yeah, sure but we have to hurry I think Deidara's going to make the toast soon and get this thing started." Lola said getting up from her appetizer plate and her whiskey. "What's going on? You look upset?" Lola asked as Konan grabbed her arm and lead her out of the ballroom they were in and onto the deck. Konan sighed. "What the hell's wrong with you?" Konan looked around nervously.

"Okay…Lola…I'm going to tell you something and you have to promise me you won't yell anything loudly." Konan said seriously.

"Yeah, yeah sure…I'll try not to yell." Lola promised her. Konan took a deep breath.

"I'm pregnant."


	11. Deidara's Moving Speech

Once the champagne was poured it was time for none other than the best man, Itachi's right hand, Deidara to get this dinner started.

"Okay, hi everyone, yeah! First, I just want to say…I can't believe that my big sister and my best friend in the world are getting married, yeah!" Deidara paused for the applause.

"Oh here it comes…" Sasori whispered to Pein. Lola and Konan exchanged nervous glances. Not even Pein knew yet and no one had noticed that Konan had poured her champagne into Lola's glass.

"The first time I learned that Itachi had slept with my big sister, my beautiful sister…I was mad as hell, yeah! But then, Dana totally told me how it all happened and when I learned alcohol wasn't involved I felt like so much better and stuff. And then before I knew it, my best friend was sleeping with my sister on a regular basis and Itachi would get so proud when he would introduce Dana as his girlfriend to people, yeah, I mean, it does make sense because Dana's hotter than most everyone else except for my Marisol, yeah. Hi Marisol!" Marisol waved as if she hadn't seen Deidara all day even though she was sitting right beside him. "And then there was this one time when we shopping and Itachi bought Dana a pair of Manolo Blahniks and a Gucci waist bag, yeah." Deidara started to tear up. "That's when I knew…that this relationship would so last! I always knew Itachi had amazing taste in clothes…but when he showed me those Manolos…oh god I can't talk about it! There was also this one time when me and my Marisol and Itachi and Dana were so hammered that we actually mail-ordered something from the J.C. Penney catalog, yeah. After that happened we instated a very strict no drunk shopping rule, yeah." Deidara stopped to dry his tears.

"Oh my god, that was such a priceless night! I was so vulnerable to pick up that catalog!" Itachi was in tears over this moving speech.

"And I remember when Itachi tried to make Dana chicken soup once when she was sick…but he couldn't do it so he carried the TV upstairs so Dana could watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show yeah! And Itachi isn't good at carrying heavy stuff, yeah. I thought that was so sweet and I also think those models are way too skinny, yeah. I mean, they can't be healthy and stuff! Every woman deserves to have her cake and eat it too!" now Deidara's mom and dad were in tears.

"Seriously, is this happening right now? My god, this is awful!" Hidan whispered to Sasori.

"And then one thing that like totally sticks out in my mind was when we were in Cancun for Marisol's smoking hot photo shoot….and Itachi proposed to my Dana, yeah! I couldn't believe that he actually did it so we celebrated later that night with tequila, yeah! I think there also may be some very questionable photos from that night floating around the house somewhere…I hope no one ever finds those, yeah. I didn't even help Itachi pick out Dana's gorgeous 5 carat diamond! But it's so hot, yeah!" Deidara had to wipe his eyes again. "I also remember this one time when me and Marisol were coming home from having dinner and Itachi had Dana half naked on our couch. And she was laying on Lola's lawyer papers, yeah."

"Oh fuck…THAT'S what was all over my documents!? Shit…I remember sending those to the judge with a post it note that read 'sorry-my assistant spilled something on these'. Damn it Dana…" Lola swallowed the rest of the champagne.

"And more recently, me and Itachi had to be pretend gay in this club to go get Tobi, yeah. That's when I knew that Itachi was going to be the best husband to Dana ever because when I forced him to hold my hand, I noticed he had soft hands, yeah! That could only mean that he would also be gentle and kind to my sister even though he is such a bitch to just about everyone else, mainly his unfashionable little brother, who's sitting right back there, yeah! Hi Sasuke! We are glad you're here, yeah! "

"What the fuck!? How did that make any sense!?" Kisame asked out loud.

"I can also really relax knowing that there is nothing left to the imagination for them on their wedding night tomorrow, yeah! I mean, they've everything in bed and I think that's great!" Deidara had to stop and fan himself because now he had none other than the bride to be crying. "That made it so much easier to pick out a wedding gown for Dana, yeah. We all knew she couldn't have one of those poofy innocent gowns. She had to have something edgy that said I am an experienced bride who is willing to try anything once except candle wax, yeah!"

Itachi and Dana shook their head in agreement.

" Okay, okay I need to wrap this up or I'm going to start crying a lot, yeah. One of the best things about Itachi and Dana getting married is that me and Itachi are going to be related now which is like taking our friendship and making it….like incest or something, yeah. This is the best wedding ever in life! It's so beautiful and perfect unlike those open toes boots that are in right now, yeah. I'm glad Dana and Marisol also think they are ridiculous…and that's why…I don't think open toed be in next season, yeah. Here's to my favorite sister and my best friend!" Deidara raised his class and surprisingly people clapped….must have been the stupid people Dana invited.

"Oh my god…that was so beautiful!" Itachi said through his tears as he threw his arms around Deidara.

"My god…are we supposed to laugh, cry, throw up?" Lola asked anyone who would answer.

"That was…different." Yunko said trying to be polite about this whole thing.

"My son has always had a way with words!" Deidara's mother was so proud.

"It's like Deidara's brain just spits out random crap and he throws it all together in a weird convoluted way." Zetsu said.

"Bring on the main course. Screw this salad." Konan said looking at the puny salad in front of her.

"What's wrong with the salad? It looks good." Pein told her.

"I'm hungry!" Konan said defensively.

"I'm so ready for more whiskey. Konaaaaaaan doesn't want any." Lola added quickly. She hadn't gotten used to the fact that a pregnant woman was sitting beside her. She was so used to going on up on shots with Konan. "Sasori, you're doing shots with me tonight." Lola said.

"But you always do shots with Konan. She always tried to make out with you." Sasori said.

"Yeah, she's just going to try to eat my salmon instead." Lola said. Sasori's eyes grew wider.

"Wait…is that slang for her trying to eat your…." Lola spit her champagne out horrified.

"OH GOD NO! OH GOD! OH GOD! NO I LEGITIMATELY WAS TALKING ABOUT SALMON!" Lola reassured him. "Yunko I'm so sorry you had to hear that."

"Oh thank god….because I was really going to have to cut her off." Sasori said.

"It's okay Lola, Sasuke would you like my extra shrimp appetizer?" Yunko shoved the shrimp toward Sasuke.

"God, you are just glowing like a fucking Lite-Brite, you little sweetheart. Wait until you end up on your back merciless, hot and sweaty, just clawing the hell out of anything on top of ya….baby you'll light up like the fuckin' fourth of July…I can say things like that to you I'm pretty drunk." It was then that Lola noticed somehow Konan's champagne was refilled. "I'll take that off ya' hands."

"Kakuzu quit trying to cram all the free dinner mints in your pocket loser!" Hidan scolded him.

"These are my favorite kind! They are the ones you often find sitting out in old people's houses! Besides, I like the pastel colors!" Kakuzu said.

"Oh get over it! Those stupid things are going to melt in your pocket and then you are really going to have a mess, seriously!" Hidan said.

"No they won't these kind of dinner mints don't melt dumbass!" Kakuzu fired back.

"Fine! You watch, you just watch! When those melt I'm not going to help you at all stupid!" Hidan warned him.

"Zetsu…I'm don't mean to alarm you…but where is Tobi?" Kisame asked.

"Oh my god! Tobi!" Zetsu got up from the table and ran out the door. Konan looked at his helpless plate of salmon.

"Do you think he's gonna want to eat that?" she asked Lola.

"If he doesn't come back in five minutes it's all yours." Lola reassured her.


	12. I Do

There were exactly thirty minutes before the ceremony started and Deidara's fashionable father was on the phone having a very important business call and Kisame couldn't convince him to take off those big trendy aviator sunglasses either…it was okay though Itachi would probably like them.

"Oh my god! Dana! You look like the sluttiest princess I've ever seen!!" Marisol squealed throwing her arms around Dana.

"Thanks, yeah! I feel like a totally beautiful slutty princess right now! By the way, is everything clasped back here?" Dana asked wanting Marisol to check her barely there beautiful wedding gown. "Okay, so like you and Deidara are going in first and then Sasori and Lola, right, yeah? And then my mom and Sasuke?" Dana asked.

"Yes! That's exactly what's happening! And, I checked the sky and there is totally no chance of rain! Actually, I lied….I asked this business man if he thought it would rain and he said no!" Marisol said.

Tobi was doing a fabulous job of screening the wedding guests to make certain there were no crazy old ladies attempting to enter.

"Hi, I'm Tobi, are you a crazy old lady? Hi, I'm Tobi, are you a crazy old lady? Hi, I'm Tobi, are you a crazy old lady?" Tobi didn't really have to ask any of the men…but he wanted to do a bang up job at this task he was given.

"Hi do I look?" Itachi asked Deidara through his tears.

"Stop crying, yeah! You're going to make these layers of hair stick together!" Deidara said restyling him.

"I'm sorry! It's just that…have you seen what Sasuke wore to my wedding!? It's god awful! It's fucking purple Deidara!" Itachi whined.

"Itachi! All the attention is going to be on you and my sister, yeah! Not Sasuke!"

"You don't think people will be looking at the fact that his pants are squeezing him into pieces?' Itachi asked drying his tears.

"No, I think they are going to be looking at this beautiful Emporio Armani shirt you are wearing and my beautiful sister's twelve thousand dollar gown, yeah!" Deidara said.

"Well…okay." Itachi said.

"Lola…I know you're freaking out right now…but you gotta slow down on that vodka." Konan encouraged her.

"Yeah, yeah…I'll stop when it's time to move…just tryin' to…chillllll." Lola said leaning over against the wall.

"You look so beautiful in red…and last night I was thinking…I drank before I knew I was pregnant…do you think I fucked up my kid!? I mean what it if only has one foot!?" Konan asked.

"Just go see your doctor when we get home. I'll go with you. Have you told Pein yet?" Lola wondered.

"No, I'm going to today." Konan said.

"Sweet, I wanna hide somewhere so I can hear ya'. I want to hear how he reacts!" Lola told her.

"Hey, are you about ready to go line up. This thing is going to start very soon." Sasori said appearing from one of the back rooms. Lola laughed.

"You look good enough to screw." Lola said.

"Well…yeah." Sasori said not disagreeing with her.

"Have you been drinking too?" Konan wondered.

"Maybe a little." Sasori admitted.

"Oh god…okay I'm going to go throw up before I sit down. You two go line up." Konan said leaving quickly.

"These flowers suck." Lola said looking at the flowers that totally didn't match a red dress.

"They don't suck! It's just that Dana wanted you in a pastel colored dress and when I proved to her that red was your color she forgot to change them." Sasori explained as they walked to wherever it was they needed to be.

Deidara watched Itachi with sparkling eyes. "Are you ready, yeah?" Itachi shook his head yes but didn't answer because he was probably going to cry any minute. "Don't cry, Itachi! Your pictures will look like shit if you start crying, yeah! This is the biggest day of your life….except for that day you went apeshit with your clan…that was a pretty big day too, yeah. But today, you're marrying my sister in high style!" Deidara was so comforting.

"You are the best, best man ever!" Itachi could hold his tears back.

"Itachi, we're looking a little gay right now because you're hugging me and unbuttoning my shirt, yeah." Deidara told him.

"I know…it's just that I changed my mind I want you to unbutton your shirt like mine." Itachi sobbed.

"I can't believe you and Kakuzu aren't fighting." Yunko said softly to Hidan.

"Seriously, he gets so choked up at weddings. He's just going to sit there and cry and cry and cry. I mean, he looked at the guestbook and cried!" Hidan said.

"Is that why you wanted me to buy those 20 boxes of Kleenex from the gift shop?" Yunko asked.

"That is exactly why." Hidan said.

"These chairs are….so perfect for a wedding." Kakuzu said weeping over the lovely white chairs.

"Daddy, are you going to hang up so you can me down the aisle?" Dana asked.

"Yes, yes of course baby. My battery die, yes? And that was Paolo, I needed to talk to Paolo about our meeting next week in Paris but my phone…it die. I have no way of using phone again. And your friend, she throw hers into the sea, yes? My baby…she look like a perfect goddess, yes?" Oooh Dana's dad….

"Itachi…Dana's mom just sat down…it's your turn, yeah." Deidara said pushing Itachi toward the aisle.

"I just can't believe how hot everything looks…that bitch Paris Hilton could never compete with this. I'll see you up there." Itachi said working the crowd over as he made his way to the alter….well it wasn't an alter but it would do. And….were you supposed to work the crowd at your own wedding?

"Marisol! You look so perfect, yeah." Deidara said. She really did look perfect in her baby blue gown that was almost as revealing as Dana's.

"Aww, thanks. I wish we could have brought Princess with us and had her come down the aisle with us." Marisol said.

'That…would have been so cute to put a little blue rhinestone collar on her, yeah! Aww, poor little Princess. Oh! It's time for us to go. Itachi wants us to work the crowd, yeah." Deidara said. Really, there wasn't much of a crowd to work.

"Ooooooh Marisol is such a petite blond Latin angel!" Kakuzu wailed as he polished off the first box of Kleenex. He was surrounded by the rest of the boxes which looked incredibly tacky but it was the only way for him to get through this.

"I don't even think Marisol is Latin, seriously! Her father was from Madrid!" Hidan said loudly.

"Are you ready?" a very nervous Sasori asked Lola. She took a long swig of whatever she was drinking.

"I'm ready now beautiful." Lola said turning the bottle over to Sasori for him to finish it off. They looked at each other, it was a look of nerves and maybe even a little sadness.

"I'm not going to work the crowd." Lola said.

"Me neither." Sasori said quickly. That first step onto the aisle was the most difficult.

"There really aren't many people at this wedding, I figured Itachi would invite attractive people off the street because he could." Lola said.

"Lookin' hot Lola! My god what I would do to you, seriously!" Yeah….Itachi would probably kill Hidan later for that. It was nice that Yunko had a sense of humor about this. Lola just flipped him off. "That's my girl! Thaaaaat's my bad girl!" Oh Hidan…

"Lola has always looked so nice in red!" Kakuzu cried.

"Seriously! Get your shit together!" Hidan said hitting him, but it didn't do any good.

"Honey, where did you get this awful tux?" Deidara's mother asked Sasuke looking at this 1970's disaster.

"Oh, my friend let me borrow it." Sasuke explained.

"Sweetheart, you need some new friends." Wow…even Deidara's mother knew this.

"You know, if I were gay…I'd probably be attracted to Sasuke in those pants right now." Kisame told Zetsu.

"Yeah, that ass in those pants would be a gay mans picnic in the park." Zetsu said. Kisame wiped a tear from his eye and shook his head.

"I love you Zetsu! You always know exactly where I'm coming from!" Kisame said hugging Zetsu. Natually, Itachi was in tears at this point.

"I am so much better looking than my brother." He wailed on Deidara's shoulder.

"We know you are Itachi, yeah." Deidara reassured him.

"Are you ready daddy, yeah!?" Dana asked with him eyes shining.

"I am ready baby. You look so beautiful." her father told her.

"Thanks daddy! Alright here we go." This was it…when Dana got to the end of that aisle she was that much closer to being a wife.

"Oh god this is the part that kills me!" Kakuzu said not being able to keep up with his tears as they all stood up. But wait….where the hell was Tobi doing!?

"No! No! Get away! Tobi will get in trouble! Get away! Shoo!" Yes, as fate would have it seagulls were trying to make off with the guest book because Tobi had birdseed in his pocket…but why the hell did he have bird seed in his pocket? Itachi and Dana thought that ritual to be way too tacky for their wedding. Oooh, he got the birdseed out of the huge bag that said 'birdseed' that was sitting along the railing of the ship.

"Oh my god! My almost wife is so hot!" Itachi cried.

"Yes, Itachi my sister is very beautiful now get yourself together, yeah!" Deidara demanded.

"Dana is the only one who could ever pull off a gown like that." Konan said.

"Is it even a wedding gown?" Pein was so confused.

"Pein….can I tell you something?" Konan asked a little nervously.

"Sure, what is it? Is it about why Kakuzu won't stop crying uncontrollably?" Pein asked.

"I'm pregnant." Konan said as softly as she could. Aaaaaaand with that the ceremony had started!

"You're…you're what?" It wasn't the reaction Pein should have had but it was what came out.

"I am…I took four tests on this damn ship and believe me at that stupid gift shop those tests were ridiculously overpriced!" Konan said.

"You took four overpriced pregnancy tests?!" Pein said trying to keep his voice down. "And all four of them gave you a very overpriced positive response!?"

"Yeah. We're going to be parents." Konan said.

"Hey Konan…I'm excited and I'm not just bullshitting you. I'm excited, honey." Pein smiled at her which made Konan feel so much better. She laughed.

"You've already made this so much easier to deal with." She said. "Oh my god, we're kissing the bride already!?" Konan said noticing that everyone was screaming (except for Kakuzu) for the newly wedded bride and groom.

"Is that kiss even appropriate for a wedding?" Pein asked.

"If you're Itachi…you could fuck Dana at the altar and it would be alright." Konan said.


End file.
